Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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