I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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