I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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