I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
