last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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