You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
