A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
