I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
