Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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