i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
its not stalking. its research.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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