I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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