Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
