I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
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One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
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No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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