Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
