I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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