I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
