The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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