dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
