Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
