tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
