This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
