Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
