just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
