my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
