you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
