hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
