Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
