farters have to be the big spoon...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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