I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
