Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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