i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
