where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
