dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He shit in the fireplace
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
