Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
These tits shall not be calmed
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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