i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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