If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
