you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
