we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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