i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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