My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
