Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
