hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
We got so high we made milksteak
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
either way he was missing a nipple.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
