My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
