There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you win again, gameday.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
