Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
