dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
