I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize