Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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