Michael Bay diarrhea
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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