i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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