Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
