I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
