I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
