I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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