just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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