He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
