24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
